OH NO

Fucking Weasels

Fucking weasels.

You’re sitting out there on a camping trip, trying to become one with nature, soaking your naked body in a slow-moving river. Then, suddenly, a pack of vicious weasels swim up to you and start ripping at your flesh. Then you get all pissed off because those little assholes have needle sharp teeth, so you grab one of them by the tail and use it as a club to beat the other weasels away. After a half hour of clubbing weasels to death, you are bloodied and tired. Then you need to get out of the water because all that blood and weasel carcasses will attract piranhas, and those little fuckers are worse than the weasels. Seriously, why the hell are there piranhas in a North American river?!

Then there are those times when you are just walking down the street, minding your own business, when weasels jump out from behind a dumpster in an alley and crawl up your pant legs and start biting you in the balls. Then you look like a fucking idiot running around in the street, screaming like a school girl and punching your crotch. No one helps you. They all think you are crazy, and don’t believe that there are weasels in your pants trying to give you a haphazard vasectomy.

All in all, weasels will pretty much ruin your day. Fucking weasels.

Stylin Looking Sexy As Fuck!

stylin looking sexy as fuck!

Words fail me. http://twitpic.com/scm4k

I Heart Quotes: Wrong Key Edition

“Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying ‘You gave me the wrong key!’ “
 

— Anaïs Nin

He Is The Next Bea Arthur. Only More Feminine.

I was at my father’s house last Wednesday, spending time with my family since I wasn’t going to see them on Thanksgiving. I had a pretty good time. We mostly sat around talking, since I haven’t seen them in 2 months. My Father told me how he accidently flipped his wheelchair trying to drive up the ramp into the van the day before. Luckily he wasn’t hurt or anything, but apparently it sucks being a quadriplegic and having a 200+ pound wheelchair land on top of you. He also complimented me on my new hat. He said it makes me look like I have “talent”. As opposed to my usual appearance of a talentless asshole.

Later on we watched some MMA on TV. I’m not a huge fan of it, but if spending time with my father means I have to watch two half-naked men wrestle around on a mat and beat the shit out if each other, well…I am willing to make that sacrifice.

For dinner we had “rodundas” (also known as gorditas), which are kind of like fat little pancakes made from corn flour. You put a slice in the side, fill the bottom with meat and vegetables, put some lime-lettuce in there, put in some salsa, and then a spoonful of crema (like sour cream but less nausea inducing). They were damned delicious. I ate seven of them, because I am a fatty.

While we were eating, my little sister and a friend were talking; they’re in Middle School, so it was pretty typical teenage banter. Suddenly my sister starts talking about some girl that farted loudly in one of her classes. Apparently the whole class was quietly working on something when the silence was shattered by a huge fart from this girl. The girl apologized and that was that. Me and my little brother gave each other a puzzled look.

Me: “So… that’s it? You didn’t laugh at her or anything?”

Little Sister: “No, we didn’t want to be mean.”

Me: “I don’t think you know how Middle School works. When someone farts, you are supposed to tease them mercilessly and give them a cruel nickname.”

Little Brother: “Yeah, you guys should call her Farticus.”

My little brother has epic comedic timing.

Watch This Through To The End

It isn’t often that a video on the internet makes me dry heave until my eyes water. This one did. Fair warning.

I’m At A Football Game

Hambone, Sassfaras and I are at the Vikings/Bears game in Minneapolis. Hambone and I went to the Vikings playoff game last season and got to watch them lose gloriously to the Eagles. We had so much fun, we decided to go again. I am hoping Brett Favre gets hit so hard that his ribs bust forth from his abdomen to disembowel him and I get to watch Favre slowly die in agony on the field as he futiley attempts to stuff his internal organs back into his body. That’s not going to happen, but I can dream, right?

I was totally going to post a text exchange between me and Hambone that was bout our hotel room this weekend. But it turns out I accidently deleted it. All I remember is that is involved a hot tub, a trained Emperor Penguin that would act as a 24-hour masseuse, and filthy Ethiopians. I am sure you are disappointed.

Anyways, have fun watching football on TV you poor bastards. Maybe if you got a real job you could live a fantasy life like mine.